its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
