i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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