I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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