I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
my poor anus
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
