I just gift wrapped bread.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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