alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
