Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
