Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
