I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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