I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
