The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
