Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
