btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
