Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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