If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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