I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
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Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
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on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Randomize