First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
