the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The Olympian is in my bed
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
