I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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