I just pynch a tree in the face
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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