i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize
