dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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