I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
