just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
