we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
