OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
