I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I checked into jail on foursquare
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."