Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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