I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"