Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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