I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.