Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
