I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
