I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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