My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I need to calm my uterus...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
