giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
