are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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