i think my tv is drunk
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
