my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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