That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
What a dumb baby whore.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
