I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
