this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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