im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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