1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
