She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
