She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
