Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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