an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
These tits shall not be calmed
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
