When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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