We won't sleep together?
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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