Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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