Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
