Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
