if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
