Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
