I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
