I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
