sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
