theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
