Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
