I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
