3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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